Neal REALLY Shouldn't Get Drunk
by messed up stargazer
Summary: What happens when Neal gets a litle tipsy... Caution: a very drunk Neal and a kinda sympathetic Peter.  Not slash though. Rated T for some mentions of drug abuse.
1. Drunk Off His Ass

"Um maybe you shouldn't Neal. You already had a lot." Peter said, taking the glass of wine away from his younger friend.

"Why? I've only had three." Neal complained, except he was slurring so bad Peter had to stop to figure out what He said. Neal jumped, reaching for the glass and missing it by about eight inches.

"Three? You are so drunk you can't even count how many drinks you've had. You've had about six." Peter said, trying to put the wine back into the bottle. Neal tried to get up after the jump and it looked like his legs were made of jelly and he couldn't stay up right for more than a minute.

"Neal, how about we play some radio? Would you like that? Maybe we could find a nice, soft, soothing music." Peter suggested, helping Neal onto the couch.

"Go to channel 57.8. They have good music." Neal suggested and Peter took it. After a bit of tuning, he finally found the station, except it wasn't what he was expecting. Very loud music rocked Neal's apartment and Neal fist pumped the air. The song was 'Any Way You Want It/Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin' by the cast of Glee.

Neal I thought you said it had soft music." Peter groaned, exasperated. He had been hoping that soft music would knock Neal out, but this would keep him up until next week. Peter heard two singers and noticed the difference between them. One was coming from the radio; the other was coming from the living room.

"Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it

She loves to laugh, she loves to sing

She does everything

She loves to move, she loves to groove

She loves lovin' things

It won't be long yeah till you're alone

When your lover

Oh he hasn't come home  
'Cause he's lovin ooh he's touchin'

He's squeezin' another

Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it

Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it

I was alone I never knew

What good love could do

Then we touched then we sang

About the lovely things

'Cause he's lovin ooh he's touchin'

He's squeezin' another

Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it

(He said)

Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it"

Neal was singing along and he was absolutely terrible. Peter checked his ears to make sure his ears weren't bleeding and moved to turn off the radio during the radio. Even when he did, Neal still kept belting the song.

"How he remembers this song when he's this drunk I will never know." Peter said, shaking his head.

"Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it

Any way you want it

That's the way you need it

Anyway you want it" Neal screamed and Peter was very surprised that someone hadn't called the cops that someone was being tortured in this room.

Finally, Peter lugged Neal to his bed and told him to shut up.

"Mean." Neal slurred.

"Yeah, you'll get a mean headache tomorrow and you will thank me for this." Peter said, pulling Neal's shirt off. He didn't even want to bother with his pants and since they were just sweats, Peter figured they could stay on.

"Don't wanna. Had fun singing. You like my singing Peter?" Neal asked, but it sounded like 'don'tvanna. hafunsinging. Ulykm'singingP'tr?'

"No. Don't ever do it again. You sound worse than El does. That one will stay with you. Actually I doubt you'll remember this so I can tell you anything. You do know that you are an idiot, right? A well dressed-idiot but still." Peter said, a smile playing across his face.

"Wlldrssd?" Rlly P'tr? U lyk m'wrdob?" Neal asked and Peter translated it to 'Well dressed? Really Peter? You like my wardrobe?'

"Sure. Why not Neal? I do like the fedora. It adds a nice touch, Neal. Now can you do me a small favor?" Peter asked. Neal looked at him with his blue innocent eyes.

"Wha?" Neal asked back. He cocked his head, but Peter couldn't tell if it was because he wanted to or because he felt his head was too heavy to hold up any more. Peter hoped it was the latter because then he would actually do the favor he wanted.

"Just go to sleep Neal. I will be on your couch if you need me. I've already called El and she ordered that I was not allowed to go back home because I am to take care of you tonight. Or rather this morning, since it is one.

"M'hed hrts." Neal said, after falling back onto his pillows and getting his head cracked on the head-board. Peter got some ice and eased it under his partner's head. Soon, his breath evened out and his head fell to the left.

"P'tr?" Neal asked, eyes half closed but alert moving his head to look at him.

"Yeah Neal?" Peter asked, turning back because he thought Neal was asleep.

"Wanna knw wha u thnk of m'singing." Neal said.

Peter smiled. Neal was definitely drunk off his ass.

"Just go to sleep Neal." He said, turning off the light.

He checked back up on Neal about five minutes later, after having to take care of business. Neal was actually asleep this time. He had the three tell tale signs: even breathing, limp body, closed eyes. Peter smiled and did the whole father thing of pulling the covers up on him and tucking him in.

Then he did what any partner would do and took pictures of sleeping Neal with the camera on his cell phone. He hit send to El, hoping it wouldn't wake her up, but with the caption _my work is done here. Hope to come home soon. He will have one hell of a hangover when he wakes up._ Peter made a bed on Neal's couch with some spare blankets he found in Neal's closet and settled down. He was so tired from taking care of super drunk Neal he fell asleep as soon as he laid his head on the pillow.


	2. The Next Day

The next day, Peter woke to knocking. He raced to the door and pulled it open. June was there, with three cups of coffee.

"Ah, Peter." She said, coming in with his wave. He put a finger to his lips and she understood. "How are you?" she asked, much quieter.

"I'm all right. It's Neal that I'm worried about. He had six full cups of wine last night. Not a good thing. I just can't wait for him with the hangover I know he's going to have. It is going to be so fun." Peter whispered sarcastically.

"Aw. Poor Neal. I feel bad but since a cranky Neal is not someone I'd like anyone to be around why don't you and I come down to my place and we can have a cup of my Italian Roast. Does that sound okay?" she asked but he shook his head.

"As his partner I have to be there for him I on a day like this. When he has a hangover as bad as this, he'll need someone to help him through today." Peter said giving June a small smile. She nodded and left, gently closing the door as she did.

Peter went to check on Neal afterwards. Neal was still asleep but it was very evident he had been tossing and turning. The covers were tangled up around him, and his eyes were darting around under his eyelids. Peter untangled the covers and replaced them again. He ruffled Neal's hair and turned away all the blinds, as to cover up the sun from Neal's vision when he did wake up. He had some coffee and brought a chair into Neal's room. He watched Neal for about an hour.

A low moan escaped Neal's lips and Peter smiled.

"Are you all right there buddy?'' Peter whispered.

"No." Neal groaned.

"Do you want to me to get you a wet rag first or do you want me to tell you what happened last night?" Peter asked.

"Rag then story." Neal croaked and Peter delivered. He got the hugest pack of ice Neal had in his freezer and gave it to Neal who moaned with relief when the cool rag touched his forehead.

"Now tell the story." Neal said, the ice obviously helping.

"Well, we had the usual drink because we solved a case except for some reason you had about three to my one. After you hit three, you went straight to the land of I-am-so-drunk-it's-not-even-funny but what you did, however, that is a different story." Peter said, chuckling to himself as to be easy on Neal's hung over ears.

"What did I do Peter? Please tell me it wasn't that embarrassing." Neal said, looking at Peter. Compared to how he looked yesterday, this was a new Neal Caffery Peter had never seen before. His eyes were bloodshot, weary, and tired. His muscles were tense and it didn't look like they would be relaxing sometime soon. His skin was covered with a thin sheet of sweat. He looked, well, hung over.

"Well it was really funny. I played some radio to give you some soft music to finally get you to sleep and on the radio was Any Way You Want It and you started to belt along with the music. By the way, you are a _horrible_ singer." Peter said, hoping his smile wouldn't hurt Neal's eyes.

"I what? Oh my God, Peter I am so sorry. Everyone whose ever heard me before has told me I made their ears bleed. I can't believe I did that." Neal said, his apologetic worry making him look worse.

"It's all right Neal. I know exactly what you can do. You can record your voice and use it for my car alarm. It would work perfectly." Peter joked.

Neal slumped back onto the pillows, looking haggard.

"Really. It's all right Neal. I won't tell anybody. Your drunken secret is safe with me. unless you do something bad again and I have to resort to drastic measures." Peter joked, but giving Neal a stern face.

"Is it a horrible hangover to go back to sleep ten minutes after you woke up?" Neal asked.

"Of course not buddy. If you're still tired, go back to sleep. I'll probably still be here when you wake up." Peter said.

"Why would you do that? I've been told a cranky me is terrible to be around." Neal asked.

"El told me last night that I have to stay with you until you get over this. I'm not allowed to come home." Peter explained. Peter watched as Neal tossed and turned and flipped and moved before he finally settled down on his right side, facing Peter. It took a little while before Neal's breathing evened out and his body finally relaxed.

Peter called his wife next.

_Hello?_ Peter heard through the phone.

"Hey honey. How are you?" Peter said.

_Don't. How's Neal?_ She said, getting right to the point.

"Asleep. He woke up about ten minutes ago and fell back asleep. He has one hell of a hangover. Am I allowed to come home now?" Peter asked, sounding hopeful.

"Yes. You are. Except you still need to take care of him. If you come home before eight, you are doomed." She said, hanging up.

Peter sighed and went to watch some TV after closing Neal's door. There were no games on today, not even good cartoons. Peter went through Neal's books but they were all so old he was afraid if he even breathed on them they would fall apart. There was absolutely nothing to do. Then he thought of June.


	3. Evil Pranks

June was an amazing idea. Peter thought after he popped in the store for a little something. June had been glad to have company and he had completely agreed. They played Parcheesi for about two hours before Peter guessed Neal would wake up soon. He snuck back into Neal's and made a pot of soup. He ladled some into two bowls and brought them into Neal's room.

"How ya feeling buddy? Hope good enough to eat cause I made some soup that-" Peter was saying before he came into the room and noticed Neal was still asleep. He sighed and put Neal's bowl down on his nightstand. He decided to eat his now and heat Neal's up later if he wanted it.

After slurping down his every last noodle and changing positions about every two minutes, Peter was just as bored waiting for Neal to wake up as he was before. He began thinking, what would Neal do if he woke him up abruptly? He began thinking of how to wake him up in the funniest way possible, with of course recording on his phone. There was the classic whipped cream and feather trick, the devious bucket of water drop trick, and the evil sticking him together with chocolate syrup and blasting him with the shower head on high. Such a hard decision. Should he leave it to chance, or maybe he should do all three at the same time? He decided that El would kill him if he did all three for Neal would surely call her so he would flip a coin twice. He called the feather and cream heads and it landed on heads, so no bucket of water. He did it again, except the poor coin landed on tails.

Well, first he checked how long Neal's shower cord is and gently pulled Neal's bed closer. He checked Neal's cabinets for chocolate syrup, and not finding any he was forced to go to maple. He glued his hands to his forehead then to his right foot and glued to other foot to the other thigh. He smiled and took pictures and went to fetch the shower.

_Neal's probably going to kill me for this but this is so worth it_. He thought as he turned on the water. The huge spluttering, and wide range of motions came next. Peter started to laugh so hard he turned blue.

"Peter you are a dead man." Neal said and unstuck his hands and feet. He chased Peter until he caught him and wrenched his phone away from him. Neal hit speed dial two and talk. El picked up on the second ring.

_Peter why are you calling me?_ she said.

"I'm not Peter. I just thought I'd tell you that you don't have a husband anymore. His partner decided to kill him because he played a cruel, cruel, trick to wake him up with syrup and water when he already had a hangover. Just thought I'd tell you, El since you are next of kin and will miss him most. Goodbye El." Neal said into the phone and hung up.

Then both phones lit up with El trying to call them both at the same time. They stopped their fighting to submit to her yelling. Well, she yelled at Peter and whispered to Neal, who still had a hangover. Apparently, Peter was sleeping on the couch for the next month and Neal was grinning like an idiot.

"Your reaction was so worth it Neal. Sorry, but it's true." Peter said, chuckling.

"Expect not to find your couch when you get home. It will mysteriously be gone." Neal said, shooing him out of the apartment.

"Oh wait, I almost forgot," Peter pulled out a little bottle of pills, "I found out you didn't have any aspirins so I decided would get you some. You should only take a few but they should help with the headache and soreness."

"That helps you but you are not back on my good side, but you will find your couch tonight." Neal said, gratefully accepting the bottle, opening it, and taking out a few, then handing the bottle back to Peter. Peter looked and felt shocked.

"Neal I don't understand. Why are you giving these back to me?" Peter asked.

"I don't trust myself with those. You wouldn't know this but once when I was sixteen, before the whole stealing thing got out of hand, I was\, well, targeted by some kids in my neighborhood. They beat the crap out if me and my parents weren't home, so my baby sister and I didn't want me to go to the hospital and she bought me a crap load of pills to counter the pain so we could hide it from our parents and I got this close to getting hooked on them. Why do you think I don't keep them in my apartment?" Neal said and Peter was surprised. The pills thing he understood, but Neal had actually told him something about his childhood. He hoped that trust Neal felt was never broken.

"Call me if you need more and I will happily bring them." Peter said and left.

Neal smiled and thought he should go back to bed. He stumbled back into his own room and a slightly cold chicken noodle soup on his nightstand. He tried it and drank it immediately. He looked for his phone and punched in a number. He had to text someone.

_Thx 4 the soup. Ur back in my good book. But don't expect it to be 4 long. Neal._


End file.
